


Dig my shallow grave

by jessthesohodoll



Series: The Watcher of the eternal flame (A Grant Ward os series) [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, I hope you like it, I'm so sorry, but it's really painfull, i didn't mean it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-17 03:51:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2295650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessthesohodoll/pseuds/jessthesohodoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After returning in the team , Ward takes a moment to contemplate his position within it. The team doesn't trust him, the woman he loves does not reciprocate him anymore . Sad and distressed, he will entrusts his anger in a bottle of Wisky and to Skye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dig my shallow grave

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh, dig my shallow grave_
> 
> _it's not me you'll save_
> 
> _'couse i'm a lost cause_
> 
> _a lost cause, a lost, lost cause_

 

 

The world seemed so small from up here. The forest, the green pool surrounding the base, the mountains, everything always so small, so useless. The air is fresh, it seems that it don't even bother to warm me up.

 

But who could do it, I'm just a lost cause.

 

Walking on the edge of this building looks so easy. But it would be easier to fall down. Everything would vanish, like a soap bubble.

 

They are wondering where I am, but I don't care. They have take me back with them, as if they were the ones regretted about what they did.

 

I'm the one who killed. I'm the one who betrayed. But now, nobody cares about it.

 

They have taken me back with them as if they were almost bound to do so, as if I was a necessity. I know for a fact that it was hard for them as it was for me. But Are they never stopped to think about me? To me, alone in that cell? The way they have tried to hide me in the dark corner of their minds, trying to move on with their lives?

 

But they are human, more human than I'll ever be. The guilt has taken the upper hand and here I am, alone in a land where no one wants me.

 

It's always been like this, alone with the only person I trust: me.

 

John would say I am weak, he would say to not feeling sorry for myself. He would say that only the girls give up.

 

 

If only I had time to realize what I was doing.

 

Now this bottle of Wisky has become my only friend, my only companion.

 

 

They don't look at me even more in the face. They no longer know who I am.

 

I still remember how it was before. It was all so clear, so transparent.

 

Now I seem to have fallen into the darkness, the place where people like me come from.

 

The only thing Coulson does is tell me that I have to figure out who I am without him, but it's stronger than me. He came in, as if he was one of my bones, and he polluted my heart.

 

Thank you so much John, for your fault I will never know what true happiness is. You would laugh at me in the face, isn't it? I would keep say that I am a weak, and I don't know why I'm still hear, since you're dead for almost two years.

 

But apparently you weren't the problem. The real problem was you became inside my head.

 

The real problem is that small part of me that still believes blindly that what you did to me was for my own good, when in reality you just wanted to use me.

 

But that's not the point.

I saw how they looked at me when I returned. Fitz ran up and hugged me as if nothing had happened.

 

I still wonder why you don't hate me, Leo. If I were you I'd take a slap on me.

 

May looked at me ruefully. Thank you so much, my larynx sends you it's greetings.

 

Coulson looked at me with his usual serious expression, while Jemma has not moved an inch, looking terrified.

 

Tripp stayed as far away from me as possible. Who knows how much he enjoyed taking my place.

 

And you? You were left leaning against the wall all the time.

 

"And I'll never give what you want"

 

Those words echoed in my mind for months.

 

You look cute with the bangs. I didn't know that May was also your stylist now.

 

 

I would like you with me again. Right now you'd be kidding me because drinking alone on the edge of a building would be something that I would never do.

 

I don't even remember the last time I heard you laugh. Your laugh was so beautiful, so cheerful. It made me want to laugh.

 

 

But now your face is constantly pulled into a pout, and I don't know you anymore.

 

Did I hurt you, right? Was I the one to take away everything that was good in you?

 

I'm so sorry Skye.

 

You are the love of my life. You're the only one who is able to understand me.

 

How can I say that I don't know you anymore when I am the first not to know me more?

 

 

And while I continue to go back and forth on this ledge, as if put in unless my life to fate.

 

"What are you doing here all alone? It's freezing out here "

 

 

As if the temperature was my only problem. But turning around I see your face, and it's like almost convince me that you are just my imagination.

 

But it's not true, you're more real than ever.

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

"I could ask you the same thing"

"Why aren't you inside? Surely you have a lot to celebrate yourself and others "

 

"I don't want to celebrate"

 

You are so beautiful view from up here. You look even smaller and more fragile than you are in reality.

 

 

"You shouldn't be here with me"

 

"And who can stop me?"

 

 

For a moment I thought I saw the old you, the one I fell in love with.

 

 

"Why are you even here?"

 

"To keep you company. Or did you want to prove your skills as tightrope walker in total solitude? "

 

"I don't need your company."

 

"Why don't you want to get help from me?"

 

"From you? I don't think you understand the real problem "

 

"Explain it to me"

 

I would like to tell you everything. I would tell you that without you, I can't breathe. I would tell you that without you, I seem to have fallen into an endless winter. But I can't tell you these things. I can't, you don't deserve it. You deserve all the freedom that my darkness allow you to have.

 

 

"Get down from there"

 

"Why? Are you afraid that I'll jump? It would be too easy for you! "

 

"You still believe that we are still mad at you? Grant, I beg you. "

 

"Why should I? I'm a lost cause, isn't it? "

 

I want to scream. I would scream that my world is definitely going to hell. I don't know who they are anymore, I don't have a goal, and you, you're the only reason why my heart is still beating, and you had ignored me for months you are now trying to repair the damage.

 

"Hey! Hey John! I'm Grant Ward! Do you remember me? I'm worst traitor that the world has ever seen. I don't even know how many people I've killed. And you know why? Because you've made me do. You wanted to turn me into your stupid obedient soldier. Do you see where I am now? The only people I really care about don't even look more me in the face. Do you remember Skye? You said she was my only weakness. Well, you'll be pleased to know that she still is like that. I love her more than anything else in the world, and because of you she wouldn't ever reciprocate me. How do you think I'll live without her? How do you think I'll live without feeling my heart explode, as every time that even those damned eyes looked at me in that way? You ruined my life, dirty bastard. But nobody cares. "

 

"I do"

 

 

You're crying, and I'm doing it myself. I didn't cry since when I was 10 and Maynard beated me.

 

"You don't understand, I'll always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere "

 

 

It would be too easy to jump down now. I wouldn't see you ever again.

 

I feel my feet moving, without even me noticing. But then, I find myself firmly on the ground, in your arms.

 

"I'm so sorry"

 

"I know"

 

I'm crying like a child I've never been. I cry because it all seems so absurd.

 

 

But perhaps the people who are lost can be found. Maybe you'll be the only one who will manage to save me.

 

You're the only one who can do it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I swear when the mood takes me angst, I'm amazed. 
> 
> I'm always so incredibly fluff, but I can't do anything. 
> 
> The Imagine Dragons enjoy writing songs about Grant Ward, just like with Monster, with "Lost Cause" I came to this 
> 
> I don't know why I did it in the first person, but I say it's even worse. 
> 
> Listening to the song, it seemed to me to be really into Grant's thoughts, and here's why the first person. 
> 
> In addition, the scene is completely inspired by my first real OTP, the Chair of Gossip Girl. 
> 
> The scene I speak of is the scene of 2x14, where Chuck is merrily walking on a ledge and yells at NY "I'm Chuck Bass, who cares?" And Blair replies, "I do" 
> 
> Ok, I'll read something of fluff to recover


End file.
